On Falling off the Wagon

83. Break the Rules Once in a While.

I totally fell off the wagon. Hard.

I mean, I don't mean to imply that I've spent the time last since last I wrote consumed in a hedonistic, Twinkie-fueled fury. I'm still doing the rules. I'm still plugging onward. But there's been a lot less devotion to the project and a lot more I'm-too-busy-to-make-this-from-scratch or I-don't-have-time-to-go-the-farmers-market, a bunch of oops-I-guess-I-shouldn't-have-eaten-that, a bit of oh-I-shouldn't-eh-forget-it and WAY too much well-it's-just-one-bite.

And there's clearly not been nearly enough writing.

If you want to analyze it, there are a lot of reasons you could give for why I've lost steam over past few weeks - I lost momentum while on vacation, my life suddenly got even busier (how is that possible?), I'm TIRED. But I don't want to analyze it, or make excuses for myself.  I want to spend some time actually thinking about what it means to fall off the wagon.

I've been a devoted wagon-faller-offer since I was thirteen years old, and I still don't really know how to deal with it.  The traditional wisdom is, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get back on the horse (it's a horse now, not a wagon - keep up).  Don't get discouraged.  I get that, but I can't help feel that this is a massive over-simplification of a complicated human quality; plus it's way easier in theory than in practice.  If it were that easy to just get back up and keep going, you probably wouldn't have fallen of the wagon in the first place.

The fact is, we live in a world of abundant choice; wherever choices and people exist, what will inevitably follow after are rules.  And it goes without saying that hand-in-hand with rule-making is rule-breaking.  So why do we do it?  How can we do it less?  How can we turn what is essentially an unavoidable, messy part of the human condition and turn it into a constructive, motivating experience?

Pollan even speaks a little to this issue in Food Rules.  "Our experience over the past few decades suggests," he says, "that dieting and worrying too much about nutrition have made us no healthier or slimmer."  This makes sense to me: nowhere in our society is our abundance of choice more evident than in our diet.  Like heavy, frustrating dominos, more choice leads to more rules leads to more falling off the wagon.  But it doesn't matter what your poison is - shopping, drinking, messing around on Facebook (guilty) - there's bound to be something you do way too much of, just because you can.

Pollan's solution is to break the rules once in a while, which is another way of saying, don't be too hard on yourself - don't get discouraged.

This is fine.  I see the wisdom in this.  Many a time I've fallen victim to the cycle of experiencing a burst of self-improving energy, followed by eventual failure, followed by, well, that didn't work, and a return to my previous vices with equal or greater intensity than before.

But at the same time, I have to wonder if capitulation to discouragement is the real demon here.  Don't be too hard on yourself when you mess up, is the sage advice nearly every diet plan ever created will tell you.  But why SHOULDN'T we be hard on ourselves?  Isn't the problem sort of that we cut ourselves too much slack already?  Isn't every time I go to the fridge to munch on a tiny piece of cake and think to myself, "This isn't a SNACK, it's just one bite," - isn't that a kind of unwarranted forgiveness?

Look - I'm not saying that we should all go around hating ourselves for our shortcomings.  But I am saying that when we continue to do things that make us hate ourselves, I doubt that we do so just because change is hard and we got discouraged.

Discouragement or frustration is not what causes falling of the wagon, nor what prevents us from getting back up.  It, like falling off in the first place, is a symptom of a larger issue.  And those excuses I had for falling off the Food Rules wagon?  Too busy, too tired, lost focus, etc. - those are symptoms too.

The issue at stake is Control.

We lose focus, get discouraged, fall off and refuse to get back on when we stop understanding that the choices that we make are ours to make.  So you ate those nachos and did tequila shooters when really shouldn't have - or you caved and watched America's Next Top Model when you swore you were going to get your laundry done (note: these situations are *totally not real* and have never happened to me.)  Don't think to yourself, "Oh, I'm just so weak." Think, "Why did you do that, Lei- er, anonymous person who is totally not me?  Why did you make that stupid choice?"

Because it was my choice.  The human being is an amazing creature, and there's very little one can't accomplish if one invests enough time and effort.  So if you're saying to yourself, "I'm too tired, too fat, too weak, too busy," the odds are, you just haven't made what you want enough of a priority.

And guess who has the control to make it a priority.

Is this too harsh?  I think I live a life of extreme expectation - of the world, and of myself.  I'll be the first to admit, I spend a large percentage of it feeling frustrated and disappointed - and I would not have it any other way.  When I think of all the things I want myself to be, and all things I want the world to be, I can't think of anything else to do but keep falling on my face over and over and over again to realize them.

So take what I have to say with a grain of salt, is all.

Maybe I am being to harsh.  Maybe I only say all this because the only time I get things accomplished is when I have the guts to be harsh with myself.  I'm all for breaking the rules - I'm just saying, break them on your terms.  I think that whenever we get overwhelmed, or give up, or set aside an important goal we meant to reach, it's because we feel like we have no control over the situation, like the deck is insurmountably stacked against us.  And that's simply untrue.  So I guess what I'm saying is don't be afraid to get mad at yourself once in a while.  Because you're right - you can do better.